The Power of Safety: How to Feel Happier as a Mom

Mothers are constantly bombarded with enticing promises. Promises to be thinner, younger looking, more energetic, a better parent, better partner, or more productive person. This type of marketing, often deceptive, lures us into buying or signing up for something with the false assurance that our money and time will be rewarded with happiness. The concept of self-care has largely been hijacked by those who stand to profit from our exhaustion and burnout. They try to convince us that we can do it all and be happy if we only purchase their product.

Happiness is an emotional state where we experience joy and contentment.”

Can these companies, products, or services provide or sell happiness? Is it possible to feel happy all the time? The answer for most of us is no. Human beings are built for a vast array of emotional experiences, which include happiness. While we may not always be happy, we can learn to increase our capacity for joy, thus feeling happy more often. Increasing this capacity is a skill we can learn, not a product we can buy. Understanding our inherent capacity for joy can inspire hope and resilience in us as mothers.

The human nervous system is wired first for protection, and mothers have much to protect. Humans are born with a protective bias, a mental filter that picks up on danger cues first. This ensures our survival and the survival of our children. If we were born wired to see only the good around us, we would miss the signals to run, hide, or fight, whether in an acute or long-term situation or relationship. Safety makes it easier for our systems to relax and find joy. When we are in a state of protectiveness, of ourselves or our loved ones, we struggle to feel happy. Thus, we must increase our sense of safety to increase our capacity for joy.

How does one increase their sense of safety in the world? While every mother’s life and situation are different, some commonalities among us can help guide this process. Human beings are wired to find homeostasis in connection with others. Long ago, we needed to live and move in groups to survive. This process, called co-regulation, helps us increase feelings of safety and well-being. This is why a crying baby or injured child can be soothed by rocking, hugging, and using kind words. Co-regulation ideally involves other human beings, but when this is not possible or preferred, a connection can be found with pets, strangers like authors, or hosts we admire or find helpful, as well as nature and spiritual pursuits. By understanding the role of connection, mothers can feel more supported and less alone in their journey toward joy.

Another essential element in increasing feelings of safety is choice. We feel trapped when we, our children, or our families face challenges that do not appear to have solutions. This may cause us to feel anxious and edgy or disconnected and drained. We may desire to flee, escape the situation, or fight against the source of distress. In contrast, when we have options and flexibility, it is easier to see a path through and experience feelings of safety. The concepts of choice and connection go hand in hand. When we feel trapped or stuck, we naturally turn to our support system for help. By connecting to others, we may be offered or see choices we previously missed, thus opening us up to happiness again.

There are many facets of life where safety may be present or lacking. Here are some common areas where mothers can evaluate their safety and explore choices and connections to make space for more joy in their lives:

Disruption, chaos, or chronic stress in our home lives can significantly interfere with our sense of safety.

Mothers in stressful homes often benefit from counseling or support groups to help identify options to improve the situation while connecting with another human being.

• Our immediate physical safety must be ensured to make space for happiness. In addition to counseling, mothers experiencing domestic violence should reach out to support to help identify resources and address any immediate safety needs. There are a variety of resources available to mothers in Massachusetts:
• Domestic violence services by Massachusetts county: https://www.mass.gov/info-details/list-of-domestic-violence-services-by-massachusetts-county
• Safe Link (Massachusetts state-wide domestic violence hotline): https://casamyrna.org/get-support/safelink/
• Massachusetts Office For Victim Assitance (MOVA): https://www.mass.gov/orgs/massachusetts-office-for-victim-assistance
• YMCA survivor services: https://ywcacm.org/domestic-violence-services/survivor-services/
• In addition to your state and local resources, mothers anywhere in the US may contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or text BEGIN to 88788.

Food insecurity

Or lack of access to enough nutritious food, is a significant stress or for a mother trying to care for her children. In addition to the potential medical and cognitive challenges associated with not having enough to eat, food insecurity can also cause anxiety and depression. Mental health challenges can inhibit a mother’s ability to connect with support and find solutions. Fortunately, Massachusetts mothers have access to a variety of supports to address food insecurity:

• Project Bread: https://projectbread.org/
• Massachusetts Emergency Food Assistance Program (MEFAP): https://www.mass.gov/info-details/massachusetts-emergency-food-assistance-program-mefap
• Mass Options: https://www.massoptions.org/massoptions/long-term-supports-and-services/supports-through-state-agencies/food-and-nutrition/
• Feeding America: https://www.feedingamerica.org/hunger-in-america/massachusetts

Employment

It can be a significant stressor for mothers. If a job is unfulfilling or provides a chaotic, high-stress, or toxic environment, our protective responses will not only be present at work but likely spill into our home lives. This can create a cycle of tension and anxiety that disconnects us and inhibits our capacity for happiness. Counseling is an effective tool to connect with someone, evaluate options, and manage any mental health challenges. In addition to counseling, Massachusetts has resources available for mothers who want to explore career options or increase their job skills:

• MassHire Department of Career Services: https://www.mass.gov/orgs/masshire-department-of-career-services
• Dress for Success Boston: https://boston.dressforsuccess.org/
• Office for Women’s Careers at Massachusetts General Hospital: https://www.massgeneral.org/faculty-development/offices/owc
• Operation ABLE: https://operationable.net/

Friendships

It can be challenging for mothers to form and maintain. We often make friends through our kids, but more than these child-focused relationships may be needed. When our lives become dominated by family obligations, time for recreation with friends may not seem possible. We often become disconnected from our interests and lose our sense of self. This increased loneliness can lead to anxiety as we face life’s challenges with less support than we would like. Here are some resources for mothers struggling to connect:

• meetup.com is a website dedicated to helping adults find groups with common interests.
• Bumble BFF is a dating-style app focused on platonic friendship.
• Peanut is an app focused on helping mothers connect for friendship, activities, advice, and playdates.
• The Boston Women’s Network is a network from the Greater Boston Chamber of Commerce that connects women and male allies at all career levels. https://thebostonwomensnetwork.org/
• The General Federation of Women’s Clubs Massachusetts is a nonprofit organization that brings local women’s clubs together to volunteer and strengthen communities. https://www.gfwcma.org/
• Girlfriends Boston is a community-building network for women in Boston that hosts events. https://www.girlfriendsboston.com/
• Boston Babes Social Club is a social club for women in Boston that hosts various events. https://www.michellewax.com/bostonbabes

Unaddressed mental health concerns can significantly inhibit our capacity for joy.

Depression interferes with our ability to co-regulate with others, exacerbating feelings of loneliness and disconnection. Anxiety often leads to avoidance of people, situations, or environments, which further increases symptoms and limits our options to connect with others. Trauma symptoms can lead to being “stuck” in our protective fight/flight/freeze/fawn responses, which can cause dysfunction in relationships and interfere with options for co-regulation. Connecting with a qualified therapist can help address these challenges and increase our ability to feel happiness.

Systemic and Political Issues

Such as healthcare, racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, gun violence, ableism, economic challenges, and war can cause a significant amount of stress and anxiety in mothers. We fear for ourselves and our children. The reality that we cannot always keep our children safe feels impossible for a mother to bear. Here are some tips to decrease anxiety and increase connection during these challenging times:

• When possible, prioritize real-world connections over virtual ones. Instead of texting with a friend or family member, meet for coffee or lunch. Go to the meeting instead of logging in on Zoom. Try an in-person workout instead of YouTube. Read in the library or coffee shop instead of sitting at home. Being around other humans during adversity increases co-regulation, connection, and safety opportunities.
• Limit time on social media and watching or reading the news. While mothers need to be informed, there is a necessary balance to avoid feeling overwhelmed, hopeless, or helpless. If you compulsively check social media or news outlets, step back. Assess whether or not the level of anger, fear, or sadness you are feeling is productive. It is time to take a break if it inhibits your ability to function, focus, or have fun.
• Get involved! Is there a cause you feel strongly about or feel drawn to? Research ways to get involved with that cause in your local communities. Involvement fosters connections with others and increases feelings of agency and hopefulness.
• Talk to someone. Consider connecting with a therapist or support group. It is expected and healthy for mothers to experience a wide range of emotions while navigating parenting in a world that can feel scary and unsafe. There are tools available to manage these feelings.

Motherhood can be an emotional roller coaster. We think, worry, and feel so much for our children it can seem as if there is no room for us. Despite this feeling, we intuitively know that our children benefit when we make space for joy in our lives. Sometimes, we need to create that space by building security. Building security is a process made more accessible with support. Help is available here at Mom Over Matter LLC. Please book a consultation here.