The holidays are here! The excitement, the decorations, the parties, the food. We moms do our best to make magic within our means, and we make it look easy. Despite all the fun, the events, planning, and people can be overwhelming. Family dynamics are complex; for some, holidays can mean stress, reminders of the past, anticipatory anxiety, and uncomfortable interactions. Throw in an election year, and you have a recipe for potential dysfunction. Some moms trade their peace of mind out of feelings of obligation to “keep the peace” for everyone else. This level of self-sacrifice comes at a cost to our mental health and enjoyment. Thankfully, it is possible to take small actions of self-protection that can yield big results without a scene.
What is a boundary?
Boundary has become a popular buzzword, but what does it really mean? How is it different from issuing an ultimatum or making a demand? A boundary is an act or response that puts a barrier between you and someone else’s unacceptable behavior. A boundary establishes your “do not cross” line. It differs from an ultimatum or demand because it requires no action from the other person. A boundary is not a demand you make to someone else. It is an agreement with yourself about how you want to be treated and how you will respond to mistreatment. A boundary often comes after a request, or many requests, for the other party to adjust their behavior has been made and ignored. A boundary is empowering because it puts the power of change in your hands rather than relying on someone else to act. Let’s take a few examples:
“Don’t talk to me like that” is a demand, whereas “I don’t like how you’re speaking to me, and I’m going to sit somewhere else” is a boundary. The demand requires change or action by the other person, whereas the boundary requires your action for self-protection. “If you keep doing that, I won’t invite you over again” is an ultimatum threatening the other person, whereas simply not extending another invitation sets a boundary. When statements are needed, short, simple “I” statements are best, as “you” statements can create defensiveness and lead to confrontation.
Those of us who are non-confrontational by nature often struggle to set boundaries. This is often because we believe setting boundaries requires an uncomfortable conversation that we do not feel equipped to have. Thankfully, setting effective boundaries does not require a conversation. Simple actions supported by simple, repetitive “I” statements are often more impactful than a frustrating discussion. Here are some guidelines and examples of actions and phrases that help establish boundaries.
Simple boundary actions:
- Declining an invitation
- Not extending an invitation
- Leaving an event early
- Changing seats
- Walking away
- Not responding to calls, texts, or emails immediately or at all
- Not reading texts or emails
- Putting your phone on do not disturb
- Restricting or blocking
Use simple and kind but firm “I” statements to accompany actions or respond to requests for explanations:
- “No, thank you.”
- “I can’t make it.”
- “I can’t do that today/that day.”
- “I have another commitment.”
- “I am not going to discuss this.”
- “I am not able to help with this.”
- “I am going to take a break/use the bathroom/get a drink.”
- “I am unable to respond right now.”
- “I no longer wish to receive this type of information from you.”
- “I am going to leave now.”
If there is continued pushback or requests for explanations:
- Repeat your original boundary setting statement(s). Repeat until the point is taken.
- Use an additional “I” statement to set a boundary around demands for information:
- “I have my reasons.”
- “I am not obligated to explain.”
- “I prefer not to discuss this further.”
- “I am an adult and will make my own decisions.”
If friends and family are not accustomed to you setting boundaries, they may not know how to respond. That is ok! Feeling worried about other people’s reactions is natural when we experiment with responding in new ways. Though there can be bumps, the path to wellness inevitably involves boundaries. It can help you to remember that you are not responsible for how others react to your boundaries. You are doing what is best for you while setting an example of healthy assertiveness and self-care for your children.
Learning to set boundaries can be challenging and stressful. A therapist or coach can provide vital support as you learn new ways to protect yourself and meet your needs. We would love to share more about how Mom Over Matter LLC supports mothers on their health journeys. Book a complimentary consultation here!
