Relationship challenges are a common reason for mothers to seek therapy. It’s important to remember that you’re not alone in this journey. Whether it’s individual, couples, or family counseling, there are professionals who can provide the support and tools needed to navigate these difficult times. Sometimes, the question is not how to move forward but whether it is time to move on. Mothers often struggle with these decisions because they worry about the separation’s impact on their children.
Conflict can be positive for the adults and children involved when a relationship is otherwise healthy. Watching adults resolve challenges in productive ways helps children learn how to resolve disagreements respectfully, express their feelings and needs, and respect and set boundaries. However, when the relationship has become toxic, the environment shifts from one where children can learn and grow to one that negatively impacts their physical and emotional development, potentially leading to numerous challenges during their adult years.
How do you know if a relationship is toxic? If you’ve been in it for a long time, it can be challenging to see clearly. Learning the signs empowers you to make decisions that are in the best interest of you and your children. A toxic relationship is one where the bond between partners is unhealthy, and one or both partners are exhibiting harmful behaviors. These behaviors include control and manipulation, verbal, emotional, physical, or financial abuse, lack of support, demeaning or degrading, cruel sarcasm or humor designed to humiliate or cause emotional harm, and chronic anger.
Examples of toxic behavior include:
- Trying to isolate you from others (friends, family, employment, etc.)
- Controlling or denying you access to financial resources
- Pushing you to self-abandon (to act against your values)
- Demeaning through ridicule, name-calling, or embarrassing you in front of others
- Downplaying or ignoring your strengths
- Cruel sarcasm, shaming or scapegoating
- Gaslighting (psychological abuse that involves manipulating someone into questioning their reality, memories, or sanity to gain power and control over the victim.)
- Projecting (accusing you of doing what they are doing)
- Blaming you for their behavior
- Badgering and interrogation
- Demanding physical affection
- Denial or refusal to take responsibility for behavior
- Intimidation, threats, or bullying
- Violence
- Refusing to communicate for extended periods (silent treatment)
- Passive-aggressive behavior
- Triangulation (creating a dynamic involving a third party where you are seen as the abuser and they are seen as the victim or hero. This may include children, other family members, or other partners.)
Even when a relationship is toxic, mothers often struggle with the decision to leave, rationalizing that their children will be better off with parents who are together. The idea that the two-parent household is best, regardless of circumstances, is a cultural phenomenon, but does the research support this belief? Overwhelmingly, the answer is no. Dysfunctional environments cause a prolonged activation of the stress-response system in children. This response releases stress hormones that can disrupt the development of the brain and organ systems. Research consistently shows this increases the risk of illness, disease, and cognitive impairment throughout the child’s life. The more adverse events the child experiences, the greater the risk of developmental delays and subsequent health problems.
These effects include:
Social delays include an impaired ability to regulate emotions, engage in social interactions, social withdrawal, or aggressive behavior, difficulty forming and maintaining relationships, difficulty trusting others, imitation of toxic behavior seen in parents, and low self-esteem.
Cognitive delays are caused by chronic exposure to stress hormones, which cause changes to brain structure and the nervous system. These can result in memory loss, difficulty learning, poor academic performance, poor executive functioning, and problems with attention and impulsivity.
Toxic environments can create a multitude of mental health problems, including depression, generalized anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, increased risk of substance abuse, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, suicidal thinking and behavior, low self-esteem, chronic guilt and shame, PTSD, and complex PTSD.
Physical Problems include increased risk of hypertension, diabetes, pulmonary diseases, heart disease, stroke, cancer, and autoimmune diseases.
Our desire to do what is best for our children can influence our decisions. We make decisions based on the information we have. Well-meaning voices, be they from media, culture, well-intentioned family members and friends, or religion, sometimes default to “staying together for the kids” without a full scope of the situation or potential consequences of the status quo. Ultimately, most mothers want to foster an environment where their children are safe and able to thrive. An environment of chronic stress and dysfunction is unlikely to provide this and is very likely to create physical, social, emotional, and academic challenges.
Should you make the difficult decision to leave, what is next? Leaving a toxic relationship can be dangerous, especially when abuse is present. The safety of you and your children is the most important thing. Here are a few steps to take at the beginning of this process.
- Inform a trusted friend or family member of your desire to leave. Make a safety plan with them to ensure a safe person is aware of the situation, the steps you plan to take, and where you plan to go if things become dangerous at home.
- Consult with an attorney. This is essential when children are involved. Family law attorneys often offer a free consultation. If needed, research options for legal assistance and pro bono attorneys in your area.
- Pull in resources, such as a therapist, support group, and, if necessary, law enforcement. This process needs to be moved through safely and with support.
- Make your exit plan.
- Take care of yourself and your children. Remember, you are doing this for them as much as for yourself.
The decision to leave a relationship is deeply personal. Balancing what is best for you and what is best for your children can make the answer much less clear. Remember that most of the time, what is best for a mother is also best for her child. The ripple effects of a healthy, safe, and happy mother extend to her children and their communities. You and your partners serve as a model to your children. Your interactions teach them how to behave and what to tolerate in the relationships they will have as adults. Ask yourself, “Is this how I want my children to experience their relationships as adults?” Explore the answer and let it inform the next steps you take.
Motherhood brings many questions and transitions. With support in place, these situations can be less stressful and easier to navigate. Therapy can provide a safe space to weigh options, explore, feel, and process emotions and experiences, work through trauma symptoms or anxiety, grieve, and connect with resources. We would love to support you if you are struggling in your relationship. Please book a free consultation here.
