Mothers have a lot to worry about. Constant planning means constant thinking about the future. When we must regularly anticipate and plan, we inevitably encounter scenarios that make us fearful or apprehensive. Anxiety and fear are two words often used interchangeably, though they have different functions and meanings. It is easy to understand why they are frequently confused. Both have similar emotional experiences and physiological markers, such as increased heart rate and blood pressure, changes in breathing, and muscle tension. What are the differences between the two, and why does it matter?
Many mothers know the feeling of waking up in the middle of the night to a very sick child. Oddly, you don’t panic. Your heart may be pounding, but you also experience a mobilized calm. The ability to focus and execute a plan to get your child dressed, in the car, and off to the emergency room without thinking. There is an imminent threat. Your child needs medical attention. You are afraid.
Now, recall a time when you felt similarly in the physical sense. However, instead of a mobilized yet focused energy, you are frazzled, disorganized, and disoriented. Your thoughts are racing with frightening stories about the future. Your mind may move so fast that you cannot keep up. Maybe you have an important meeting, keep imagining making a fool of yourself, and cannot shake the belief that you “always” make mistakes. Perhaps it’s your first play date in a new town. You daydream a scenario where the other moms leave you out of the group and keep thinking about how you “never” fit in. You worry, but these worries are not based on imminent dangers. These concerns are often exaggerated by a logical brain trying to make sense of your body’s experience of changing breath and heart rate. You are feeling anxious.
Fear is a response to an imminent threat. It is our biological, emotional, and behavioral reactions to being in danger. When we are afraid, our protective responses of fight or flight activate, and we rely on instinct to find safety. Return to that night when your child was sick. You knew from experience that safety was in the emergency room, and your instincts activated to get you there as quickly as possible. You did not stop to think about what might go wrong or focus on scary stories about the future. You listened to your body and let it guide you to safety.
Action is needed in unsafe situations with a real threat. We are wired with instincts that help keep us safe, and it is important to learn your body’s signals that tell you when you are in danger. When trauma or chronic stress is present in our lives, it can be challenging to sort out what is anxiety, what is fear, when to act, and when to reflect. Trauma re-wires the nervous system to respond with fear in situations that may not be dangerous. Those of us used to living in traumatizing, chaotic, or stressful environments may struggle to identify what an unsafe situation, relationship, or home looks like. The biological cues telling us we are unsafe become part of our common experience and may be ignored or misunderstood. Working with a trauma-informed therapist is an important step in understanding your unique responses and recognizing the signals of danger and safety in your life.
Anxiety is persistent worry about the future triggered by frightening stories we tell ourselves. Under ideal circumstances, anxiety is an adaptive emotion. We create a plan to address our concerns, and this uncomfortable feeling diminishes to at least a tolerable level. However, when we get stuck looping anxious thoughts, feel anxious most of the time, or our functioning is impaired, anxiety stops being adaptive and becomes incapacitating.
Recognizing the difference between anxiety and fear can help you make decisions about when to push yourself and when to honor your feelings. When you experience symptoms of anxiety, it’s important to pause and assess whether you are at risk of harm. If there is no threat of actual harm, this can be an opportunity to pause, reflect, and learn for the future. Absent immediate danger, we have time to evaluate our thoughts and emotions to determine if our concerns are realistic or exaggerated. This is not a sign of weakness but an opportunity for growth. By getting to know your anxiety, you can identify when it’s present, your triggers, and strategies for managing the symptoms. Symptom management, combined with the cognitive realization that you are not in danger, can help create growth opportunities and continued functioning despite anxiety.
Understanding the differences between anxiety and fear can also be an important tool in parenting. Children can quickly be labeled anxious if they resist school or a certain activity. However, it is important to understand that these can also be signs of a real or perceived threat. It is very common for children in distress to display symptoms of fear, panic, behavioral and academic challenges, and symptoms often mislabeled as ADHD, such as hyperactivity and poor concentration. Recognizing when your child is afraid or anxious can help guide decision-making on when to encourage and when to investigate, support, and protect.
If you are experiencing anxiety, stress, or trauma symptoms or are unsure of where you need support, we are here to help. Please book your free consultation here.
